If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
You Might Also Like
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?