I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.