I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
is this meant to deter me
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo