ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.