Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good