(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
me: so i need to get more attention