wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.




me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.


me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”


coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.


me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?


(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.


(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.


therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?