Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of OrdinaryAlso's best tweets

@OrdinaryAlso : Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

@OrdinaryAlso: Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

@OrdinaryAlso: “We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: :)

Sailors: :(

@OrdinaryAlso: Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

@OrdinaryAlso: Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

@OrdinaryAlso: (Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

@OrdinaryAlso: Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@OrdinaryAlso: I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

@OrdinaryAlso: *drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

@OrdinaryAlso: Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*