Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@OrdinaryAlso : Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
@OrdinaryAlso: Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
@OrdinaryAlso: “We’re promoting you to Anchor”
@OrdinaryAlso: Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
@OrdinaryAlso: Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
@OrdinaryAlso: (Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
@OrdinaryAlso: Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
@OrdinaryAlso: I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
@OrdinaryAlso: *drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
@OrdinaryAlso: Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*