wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: how much gas do i have?
me: ok but HOW empty?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?