(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.


(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.


therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?


satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.


me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?


who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”


marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.



Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*


me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.