my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.


wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*


i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”


wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.


wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.


wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)


wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave


me: *calls secretary* cancel my 2 o’clock, please.

Secretary of Defense: who gave you this number?


me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.