my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: *calls secretary* cancel my 2 o’clock, please.
Secretary of Defense: who gave you this number?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.