grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”