(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: (nervous sweating)
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.