me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)


surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!


(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein


it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.


drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it


Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.


The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.


Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.