wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.