he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird