I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Always the camel, never the toe.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.