God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.