For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*