I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
These work great until they don’t.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.