Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Yup.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season