[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”