When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You Might Also Like
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.