Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.