Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Breaking news:
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now