Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
6. me as a lawyer
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!