LMAO.
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?