Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”