I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?