her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I am HOWLING at this
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how