me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
looks legit
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.