Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Justify your alcoholism by having children.