mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”