@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@PJTLynch

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

@PJTLynch

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

@PJTLynch

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

@PJTLynch

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”