Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Love it! 👍😂
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”