My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
gentlemen, hear me out
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.