Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The struggle is real