@platinum2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@platinum2000

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@platinum2000

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@platinum2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@platinum2000

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*