I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Terribly Tuesday.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.