If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *