I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this