@P_o_n_k

BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!

JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@P_o_n_k

BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?

@P_o_n_k

MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha

@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@P_o_n_k

[Shower]

ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…

@P_o_n_k

[Prison]

BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us

ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

@P_o_n_k

CELLMATE: What are you in for?

ME: Bad shit, man.

[Flashback to me duct taping harmonicas to hand dryers in the McDonald’s bathroom]