Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
i choose….tongue
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.