BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!
JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop
BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.
BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.
BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT
BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?
MURDERER: *kicks down my door*
ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha
[Praying mantis funeral]
PRIEST: He died doing what he loved
ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state
SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us
ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.
DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose
WOMAN: *Cries into hands*
DR. BABY: Wait where did she go
CELLMATE: What are you in for?
ME: Bad shit, man.
[Flashback to me duct taping harmonicas to hand dryers in the McDonald’s bathroom]