Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Meow
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.