Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
This could be us… but you playing
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
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