WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.