Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Good morning, Twitter x
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.