OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Mistakes were made
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Bloody internet 😳
#Caturday
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
🤣
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely