If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.