I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.