We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.