In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
🍞🦆
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face