Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
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Realize this:
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
set yourself free xox
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Not even remotely sorry.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.