@PaperWash

[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”

@PaperWash

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

@PaperWash

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

@PaperWash

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@PaperWash

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

@PaperWash

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

@PaperWash

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL