[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]
Omg I didn’t know you hunt!
[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL