@PaperWash: the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
@PaperWash: stranger: you're gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you're 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they're 80
@PaperWash: Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!
@PaperWash: hey idiots you don't have to go back in time to kill hitler he's already dead
@PaperWash: Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don't pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
@PaperWash: me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
@PaperWash: "Susan cancel my 2 o'clock"
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
"no no no I need to learn to do this on my own"