Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@PaperWash : daddy how does Santa go to everyone's house by morning?
"I dunno, time travel"
time travel isn't real
"neither is Santa, go to bed"
@PaperWash: *sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
@PaperWash: the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
@PaperWash: stranger: you're gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you're 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they're 80
@PaperWash: Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!
@PaperWash: “Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
@PaperWash: hey idiots you don't have to go back in time to kill hitler he's already dead
@PaperWash: Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don't pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
@PaperWash: me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
@PaperWash: *Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview