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Page of PaperWash's best tweets

@PaperWash : *sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

@PaperWash: the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@PaperWash: stranger: you're gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you're 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they're 80

@PaperWash: Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!

@PaperWash: “Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

@PaperWash: hey idiots you don't have to go back in time to kill hitler he's already dead

@PaperWash: Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don't pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@PaperWash: me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

@PaperWash: *Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

@PaperWash: "Susan cancel my 2 o'clock"

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

"no no no I need to learn to do this on my own"