CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar