Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM