@Parentpains

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

@Parentpains

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

@Parentpains

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

@Parentpains

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

@Parentpains

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

@Parentpains

Me: *Writes joke, google searches to make sure it hasn’t been tweeted before*

Google: “Here are some suggestions for therapists in your area”

@Parentpains

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

@Parentpains

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

@Parentpains

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.