No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: *Writes joke, google searches to make sure it hasn’t been tweeted before*
Google: “Here are some suggestions for therapists in your area”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”
– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.