@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

@Parentpains

Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.

@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@Parentpains

Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*

@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

@Parentpains

She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.

Dating is bullshit.

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.